A common belief amongst survivors of clergy sexual abuse is that once you have been sexually abused or assaulted by a clergyperson you will never be spiritually whole again. But you can heal after clergy sexual abuse. The healing journey begins with an inward quest.
However, questing is never easy nor is it for the faint of heart. Just as medieval knights faced challenges and dangers on their quest for a prized possession, so too do survivors face obstacles in their quest for wholeness. Wholeness and healing do not mean you will return to the person you were before the assault. That is impossible. But with time, patience and dedication you can come to a place of wholeness. Some survivors even say they experience this wholeness as more satisfying than what they experienced prior to their assault.
Healing from clergy sexual abuse is a painful process but it need not be an isolating one. Inner Quest Healing was founded by Carolyn Waterstradt to support survivors in their healing process. Carolyn is dedicated to helping survivors of clergy sexual abuse and assault with their healing journey. Inner Quest Healing's mission is creating new life after clergy sexual abuse.
Carolyn's book Fighting the Good Fight: Healing and Advocacy after Clergy Sexual Assault is in the publication process and will be available in the Spring 2012.
Carolyn is a speaker, author, spiritual advisor, and an international spokesperson for clergy sexual abuse and assault. She has been a guest on The Drew Marshall Show: Canada's Most Listened to Spiritual Talk Show and has been interviewed on IN Session on Court TV. Her work has been highlighted in numerous publications.
She has a Master of Arts in Theology from the Lutheran School of Theology at Chicago and is currently finishing a Master of Social Work at Grand Valley State University. She has researched extensively the spiritual practices of the early church, the Sacred Feminine, and spiritual healing in women after clergy sexual abuse. Her research on clergy sexual abuse has been presented at the Seventh International Conference of Qualitative Inquiry and at Grand Valley State University's Graduate Showcase. She has been a guest speaker/preacher at churches, Native American Speaker Forums, violence awareness events, and in MSW Social Research II classes at Grand Valley State University.
Carolyn completed Healthy Boundary training through Marie Fortune's FaithTrust Institute and has taught the YMCA of the USA Child Abuse Prevention program to YMCA staff members. She is a Reiki Master Teacher, Qi Gong practitioner and has training and experience leading Dream Circles and Labyrinth Workshops. She has been involved with the ecumenical and interfaith movements and has led spiritual programming for both children and adults for over twenty years. She has experience working many faith traditions including: Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Agnosticism, Atheism, and Earth Based Spiritualities such as Native American Spirituality, Shamanism and Wicca.
Currently, she is doing a part time internship in outpatient counseling. Her first book, Fighting the Good Fight: Healing and Advocacy after Clergy Sexual Assault is in the publication process. She has earned the Advanced Communicator Gold Award and Advanced Leader Bronze award from Toastmasters International and is currently serving as the District 62 L Division Governor for Toastmasters International overseeing clubs in Ottawa and Muskegon Counties and Northern Michigan.
Carolyn is available for speaking engagements, trainings, and retreats.
To schedule a book signing in your community, please contact Carolyn.
In times of need, most people turn to others for support and to religion or spirituality to sustain them. Clergy sexual assault* survivors often find this difficult to do because clergy sexual assault at its core is spiritual abuse. It is an assault on one's soul. For survivors of clergy sexual assault, religious and spiritual symbols become triggers of post-traumatic stress. Survivors are often blamed and shunned by their faith communities after the assault is made public. This causes the symptoms of post-traumatic stress to be magnified thereby rendering it nearly impossible for a victim to function spiritually.
Fighting the Good Fight tells the stories of eighteen women who were sexually assaulted after the age of 18 by their clergyperson and it recounts their journey towards wholeness. The women belonged to three different religions and eleven different denominations are represented. Although there are differences in belief systems, the women share much in common. Some of the women were married with children, some were single, and one was assaulted by a clergywoman. Seven had or were pursuing religious careers at the time of their assaults. Seventeen are US citizens and one is an Iraqi living in the Middle East. Despite some differences, the women faced many of the same struggles and healing was found in similar ways.
Two husbands of survivors, a ministerwho worked with a survivor, a mother of a survivor, and a chaplain who belonged to a congregation where many women were victimized also give their perspective of clergy sexual assault, not only how it impacted the survivor but how it impacted them as secondary victims. The damage clergy sexual assault inflicts on survivor's children is also explored through the eyes of survivors, a husband, and a grandmother.
Fighting the Good Fight includes a brief history of clergy sexual assault in the United States. The concluding section gives survivors suggestions for working through the aftermath of their assault. Also included in the final section are chapters geared for family members and friends of survivors, congregations and denominations, mental health professionals, legislators, and researchers.
*The word abuse implies this but many people believe adults cannot be abused and are confused by the term. When assault is used, there is no confusion. People often refer to clergy sexual assault as abuse or misconduct but when the word abuse is used it gives the impression that the victim was a child. When misconduct is used it does not give the impression that serious damage was incurred by the victim. The few states that have criminalized clergy sexual assault have done so under their criminal sexual assault penal code. In using the legal term, assault, a clearer image is presented that what occurred was a form of premeditated violence and the person on the receiving end has been victimized.
She often had a spaced out haunted look in her eyes as if she were possessed by some other entity. In social settings, she seemed unable to concentrate and she'd sit among us as if she were far, far away. At such times her mind seemed vacant of thought. She seemed to withdraw inward to a secret, safe place where nothing could hurt her. - A Mother Remembers
I went to see about my daughter, to see if he had done anything to her. That is where my rage was! - Dee
A pastor said to me, "If the Rockettes danced naked before this man, it is his responsibility to not do anything. It doesn't matter if you were cute. It doesn't matter if you dressed fashionably." - Laurie
Nancy called up the Bishop's representative (and reported her assault) and he said, "Well, you need a lot of encouragement and support and I am sure that's how this got started. Best move on now for everybody."
My eyes were wide and my jaw was slack and I was thinking, "What the hell kind of thing is that to say to Nancy? Has he not read anybody? Has he not heard? How are you the Bishop's representative and give that sort of bullshit answer. 'Now, now dear, boys will be boys.' " It was just hideous. - A Minister's Soliloquy
A lot of my garden and my sculpture really comes out of my pain. I take something very hard, metal, and beat it into submission and recreate something pretty. People see the result of it but so much of my garden space is my journey. It's getting rid of the weeds. It's getting rid of the nasty stuff. It is turning something that was not good into something that was good. There's a whole spiritual thing that has gone into it. - Willow
When you go through these things and you've been hurt like this, it does break open your soul and in some ways makes you more tenderhearted towards people who are suffering no matter what the situation is. And there is potential for you to help other people who are suffering. - Amy
I like who I am and I don't know if I would be as authentic a human being as I am now if I hadn't gone through what I went through and had everything taken from me. Every sense of structure. Every sense of support network. Even my faith in God. When all that got ripped away I had to figure out who I was and I did. And I like that person and she's a very different person than she was five years ago. - Juliana
A Healing Retreat for Women Who Have Experienced Clergy Sexual Abuse/Assault
September 7 - 9, 2012
$500
You can heal from clergy sexual assault. This retreat centers on nourishing body, mind, and spirit. Held at the beautiful Ronora Lodge and Retreat Center in Watervliet, Michigan, you will have the opportunity to meet other survivors, explore spiritual practices such as dream work, sketching, and mandala drawing, experience Safe Touch Massage or Reiki and participate in equine therapy at Redtail Equine Center . Women whose children were affected by their abuse will have the option of a special break-out session to discuss raising a family after clergy sexual abuse. This retreat involves large group activities, break out and individual sessions, and some free time.
To register, you must have completed at least one year of therapy and complete a screening interview with Carolyn. This is because the content of this retreat assumes participants are ready to engage in spiritual healing and this is not possible if you have not completed more basic aspects of your healing.
Space is limited to 20 participants. Participants will be staying at Ronora's Trilogy Lodge. The retreat will be conducted by Carolyn Waterstradtand Michelle Doetsch .
Information coming soon on a Family Retreat and a Retreat for Male Survivors
Sketching
Register Now
Trilogy Lodge
The best thing to do if someone you know has been sexually assaulted by a member of the clergy or a spiritual leader is to reach out to them, even if it happened years ago! I would advise not calling them on the phone out of the blue, but sending a handwritten card or an electronic message is acceptable.
If you do contact someone who has been assaulted you should be aware that doing so might cast you in a negative light with some people in your congregation.
If you contact someone who was victimized never say, "I forgive you." My goodness, the victim/survivor did nothing that warrants forgiveness. It is okay to say something like, "I just learned about what happened to you and wanted to express how sorry I am and how angry it makes me that you were treated in such a manner." or "I wanted to apologize for not being as supportive to you as I could have been. I didn't know what clergy assault was. Once I learned the truth I felt I needed to contact you and apologize for the years I blamed you. I am angry at what happened to you and at myself that I may have hurt you. Please forgive me."
Believe it or not, reaching out can make a difference .
Some of the signs that someone is being sexually victimized include:
Being dispirited Insomnia
Increased irritability Impulsive crying
Withdrawal from others Listlessness
Depression Exaggerated startle reflex Nervousness Inability to concentrate
Inability to perform daily tasks Anxiety
Alcohol or substance abuse Self-mutilation
Suicidal impulses Drastic change in personality Panic attacks Uncontrollable shaking Feeling dazed Feeling outside one's body Visual hallucinations Auditory hallucinations Compulsions or obsessions Headaches
Bruising Divorce
Sexually transmitted diseases Unwanted pregnancy
Yeast infections Vaginal/rectal tearing
Strong negative reaction to being touched
Inability to be spiritual or practices one's faith
Stomach aches, nausea and/or gastrointestinal upsets
Drastic weight gain or loss
Over-achievement
Inability to understand or participate in simple conversations;
Drastic change in appearance such as dressing sexy or dowdy Morbid fascination by things such as death, abuse, sex, or Scripture
I'm sorry this happened to you. Sadly, losing one's job is a common occurrence for people employed by the church who become victims of clergy sexual abuse. Either due to the trauma of the abuse or due to harsh treatment by church officials.
A good counselor or spiritual director will be able to help you sort out what has happened. But generally, there is not a quick fix to the lost career. It takes time to get one's bearings again after clergy sexual abuse. But rest assured, that in the midst of the pain and the process of discovery, many survivors who have lost careers have come out on the other side more content with who they have become than who they had been.
How can we prevent this from happening in our congregation?
Although you can never be certain it won't happen in your congregation there are measures that can be taken to help prevent it from happening. Some of these measures are to: talk about sexual assault/abuse issues as a congregation, send denominational leaders to boundary trainings, have literature about clergy sexual assualt/abuse in the congregation, buy books about clergy sexual assault/abuse for your congregational library, invite someone to speak or preach on the subject, write congregational policies, do background checks, never assume it won't happen at your house of worship, have discussions around how social media should be used, and encourage your pastor to have a spiritual director or therapist.
This list is by no means exhaustive. It is meant to get the conversation started. What ideas do you have that could be added to the list? I would love to hear them.
You can contact me by filling out the form below or find me on one of the following networks.
Inner Quest Healing on Facebook
Carolyn Waterstradt on Facebook
Blog
LinkedIn
Twitter
YouTube
To contact Carolyn, please fill out the following form. Thank you.
